Do you sometimes feel like your life dreams have been hijacked, like your full potential has been pushed out of your reach? If so, your expectations may be the culprit. Expectations are lists we create about how we think things should be.
Here are three ways expectations may be holding you hostage and keeping you from your dreams and from reaching your highest potential:
1. Unmet expectations
When we have a picture in mind about how we think things should be (or should have been), but reality falls short, we can get stuck feeling resentful about expectations not met. Common traps are focusing on things you can’t control, like something in the past, or trying to change others. You may be stuck in the unmet expectations snare if you find yourself uttering phrases like (you fill in the blank):
* My parents should have _____.
* I shouldn’t have ______.
* My children should be ______.
* My spouse shouldn’t have _____.
2. Unrealistic expectations
A big expectation trap is feeling like you have to do it all, and do it all perfectly. The media often presents unrealistic, false, enhanced images that we measure ourselves and our experiences against. You may compare the showroom-perfect living room in a magazine with your “lived in” family room; or the thin, flawless, air brushed model, with your less-than-perfect self; or another person’s strengths with your weaknesses. You may just plain take on too much, trying to be all things to all people. Without realistic expectations and a plan of action, overwhelm and burn out are common.
3. Low expectations
The other extreme is setting your expectations too low. If you have experienced significant loss, failure, or disappointment, you may decide to “play it safe” and not push yourself at all, getting locked in your comfort zone.
If you find yourself being held captive by unmet, unrealistic, or low expectations, here are the eight terms of your release:
1. Acknowledge your feelings. When things don’t go as expected, it is normal and healthy to mourn the loss of a future you had imagined. Recognize and allow yourself to experience these very real feelings.
2. Accept what is. Break free from the habit of comparing yourself and your situation to something out of your reach; instead, experience the liberating feeling of noticing, accepting, and expressing gratitude for your current reality.
3. Look for the lessons that can be learned, and then let go of things outside of your control. Letting go doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior or injustice, it means letting go of resentment and the need to punish. If something can’t be changed, continuing to dwell on it keeps you stuck.
4. Focus on what you can control. Look for something in your situation you can control or influence. Spend your time and energy improving the situation where you can.
5. Expect that you and others will make mistakes. Allow for imperfection.
6. Live with purpose. Decide what you want and make a flexible plan. Prioritize. Don’t try to do everything.
7. Push the boundaries of your comfort zone and challenge yourself.
8. Anticipate obstacles. Things are going to come up that you haven’t planned for; things will take longer than you expect. Do your best to prepare for and recover from challenges. Embrace obstacles as learning experiences.
When you find yourself feeling stuck, pay attention to the expectations checklist running through your head.
Notice when you are being hijacked by unmet, unrealistic, or low expectations. Challenge yourself to break free and push forward in your life by letting go of resentments, accepting what is, and learning from mistakes. Make a plan, anticipate obstacles, and focus on what you can control. Free yourself to grab hold of your dreams and live your life to your full potential.
• Pamela Adams Henrie is the owner of The Success Choice and creator of “The Woman’s Success Planner” and “The Choosing Joy in the Journey Journal.” For more information, or to contact Pamela, log on to her website at TheSuccessChoice.com.
Originally published on The Daily Hearld’s MomClick April 15, 2015
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